Shame

After spending my writing time for the past two days on a piece in which I felt many things, one of them shame, even though I was blameless, the feeling is up there for me today. And along comes Representative Weiner of NY, standing up in front of a crowd of press and accepting responsibility for his admittedly "dumb" actions and feeling the shame of it all. He had some tears, and he squirmed, but he stood up and answered all the questions they threw at him. I thought he would read his statement and leave, but he didn't. He said he would now take their questions, and he took them all. He answered them all, over and over again. He denied nothing. He said that he had initially denied sending the picture and tweeting because he was embarrassed and he knew he had done a dumb thing and he didn't want to get caught. He told lie after lie. And now he was finally telling the truth and he felt horrible, and it was no one's fault but his own. He refused to blame it on alcohol, or anything that could be counseled away, anything but his own lack of judgment.
I don't know the man. As I watched him, I felt as if I did. I felt as if I were feeling the shame, the sadness, the surreal-ness of all those reporters asking those questions. He found the inner strength -- I think -- in the truth. By not having to come up with another lie, by telling the truth, he was able to stand there and continue to answer their questions.
May he continue telling the truth and learn from this. May we all learn a lesson today from watching a man face his shame head on and beat it back with the light of truth.

Mining the past

For the past 22 years I've been writing about an incident in my life that happened when I was 12 years old. It wasn't the most horrible thing that ever happened to me by any means. I've often wondered why do I keep writing about it, why does it stick in my mind, drawing me back the way a lost tooth draws a tongue to the hole in the gum. I wrote 600 pages in 1989 in 6 weeks at a mountain retreat. Since that time I've reworked that material, written short stories, plays, poems from that mass of material, sometimes going back to the same incident, sometimes not -- but that incident is the spark. I think I have finally found the reason why. That was the pivotal moment, the incident that forever changed the journey I was on, switched my track. I made a momentous decision because of that incident, one I thought was a grownup decision, and I suppose it was, but was to set me off on a rocky course for many, many years. I'm writing a creative nonfiction piece about it now called "Losing My Place." I hope this one puts it to rest.

Taking Care of our Bodies

I'm reposting a quote here that I got from a friend's blog this morning. It's a quote from Buddha: “To keep the body in good health is a duty; otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.”
I don't get enough exercise. I always intend to, but instead I spend my time writing. That's what I have always wanted to do my entire life -- have enough time to write as much as I want. Now I have the time, that is what I am doing with my time when my time is free. My other habits are good for my body: I don't drink or smoke or eat things that are bad for me. My diet is excellent. I drink enough water, I don't eat sugar or fat. I'm a vegetarian and I eat lots of vegetables and fruit. High fiber content, low processed food, no trans fats. I laugh a lot, I try to get enough sleep, and I surround myself with loving people.
I do garden, so I get SOME exercise, and I walk some. I like to walk, I like to swim, I just don't discipline myself to do it daily as I have done in the past.
How do you take care of your body in order to keep your mind strong and clear? Or do you? And if not, is your mind strong and clear anyway?

ALWAYS SEARCHING ...

I've had headaches for as long as I've been an adult. And I've had migraine headaches as least since I was in my mid-30s. At first I had them a couple of times a year. Later they became worse and worse, lasting longer, once I had one for 16 days. After that someone told me I could go to the ER and get something for my headache. Well, back then you could. I started going to the ER and getting a shot of demerol. That was about 3 or 4 times a year. My doctor told me what to ask for, it was demerol and an anti-nausea med. I don't remember the dosages. But by the time I was 55 the headaches were more frequent, and I was having to go to the ER for chest pain way more often that I was for migraines. I was a mess. Finally everything came to a climax: I had a heart "event" after 3 hospitalizations in a month, then a hotel house call for a migraine (I was working and on the road), an allergic reaction to Plavix, and heart failure. I retired. After 18 months of cardiac rehab, I began to get my health back, but the migraines have persisted. So ...
I'm always searching for a cure for migraines. I've found some things that helped a bit. I located my food triggers and eliminated them from my diet: all corn products, nitrites and nitrates, aspartame, sucralose, too much soy. And I became a vegetarian and recently I gave up sugar/sweets as well. I don't drink coffee. I drink plenty of water. I take Co Q 10, and magnesium tablets. I tried feverfew, ginger, butterbur. None of those helped. I tried chiropractic, acupuncture and massage. I learned biofeedback and it sometimes helps. I take Topamax which probably prevents me from having 15 to 20 headaches instead of 8 to 10 a month. It may also decrease the severity. I can't take most of the migraine meds because they give me chest pain. I'm stuck with butalbital and phenergan, which I can take only twice in a week in order to avoid rebound headaches. Oh yes, I'm allergic to aspirin and ibuprophen as well (see Plavix above, severe allergies to meds).
So, now someone has recommended Dermamag oil, which is magnesium oil that you apply to your skin and supposedly is absorbed and has less effect on your digestive system, but is helpful re migraines. It is expensive. But I am about to try to find some locally and apply it. If you have tried this, I would very much appreciate hearing from you. If you don't wish to leave a comment, please contact me via twitter @dehelen.

Off for a Wilde Night

I'm off to be inspired by that old standby: Oscar Wilde. What a man he must have been. So witty, so bright, and so arrogant to allow himself to end up in jail, beaten and broken. He died way too early because of that. But why wouldn't he believe that he would win over such injustice? Anyone might feel the same.
Tonight I will see The Importance of Being Earnest filmed in HD live on Broadway starring Brian Bedford as Lady Bracknell. My daughter and grandson will accompany me and I expect to have a lot of fun. Any time that happens, my muse wakes up and sparkles, shakes her wand in my face and I come alive in all sorts of ways.
Have a splendid evening and night all! And BTW, I'm grateful to Third Rail Rep company for bringing this entertainment to Portland.

Blogging For LGBT Families 2011

As a lesbian mom, I just want to say I support LGBT families and always have. I'm a gramma now, and proud of my grandchildren as I am of their parents.

Here's a shout out to my friends who have LGBT families, and here's to all of you I don't know! All best,
Sandra de Helen

SMALL STONES' KASPA AND FIONA

Kaspa & Fiona have taken over my blog for today, because they need our help.

They are both on a mission to help the world connect with the world through writing. They are also getting married on Saturday the 18th of June.

For their fantasy wedding present, they are asking people across the world to write them a ‘small stone’ and post it on their blogs or on Facebook or Twitter.

A small stone is a short piece of observational writing – simply pay attention to something properly and then write it down. Find out more about small stones here.

If you’re willing to help, we’d love you to do things:

1) Re-post this blog on your own blog any time before June the 18th and give your readers a chance to hear about what we’re doing. You can simply copy and paste the text, or you can find the html here.

2) Write us a small stone on our wedding day whilst we’re saying our vows and eating cake, post it on your blog, and send it to us.

You can find out more about our project at our website, Wedding Small Stones, and you can also read our blog at A River of Stones.

We also have a July challenge coming soon, when we’ll be challenging you to notice one thing every day during July and write it down.

Thank you for listening, and we hope we’ll be returning from our honeymoon to an inbox crammed with small stones, including yours.

Kaspa & Fiona